How open are Germans about their erotic fantasies? And how satisfied are they with their sex lives? The casual dating site Secret.de asked – with interesting results.
Despite erotic fantasies, many are not sexually satisfied
Even today, the topic of “sex” is still fraught with shame for many. It is not spoken gladly about it. Reason enough for the Sexdating portal Secret.de the veil of the silence to break through and for clarity provide. In a representative survey of 1,000 Germans between the ages of 18 and 74 conducted via Gfk, it was investigated how many people in this country have sex fantasies.
The result: 58 percent of those surveyed, 70 percent of men and 46 percent of women, say they have erotic fantasies. At 31 percent, just under a third of these have already partially worked through their wish list. A somewhat larger proportion (36 percent), on the other hand, have to contend with many unfulfilled sex fantasies.
However, not everyone’s salacious head is spinning. At 42 percent, many survey participants say they have no erotic fantasies at all. At 54 percent, the majority are women.
And what about the connection between sex fantasies and a fulfilling sex life? The people who have erotic fantasies now and then were asked whether they are sexually satisfied. Just 31 percent of this group see little need for improvement in their own sex lives (men: 30 percent, women 33 percent). So having erotic fantasies does not seem to be a guarantee of basic sexual satisfaction. This is also reflected in the fact that for as many as 24 percent of male and 16 percent of female head-case eroticists, their sex life is not fulfilling.
Only a quarter talk openly about erotic fantasies
Andrea Bräu, sex expert at Secret.de and sex therapist, explains, “Sex is the most intimate nonverbal communication we have.” For this reason, she says, it is essential for a fulfilling sex life to be clear about one’s own erotic preferences. However, it would be even more important to perceive the intimate needs of your sexual partner – either through conversation or by writing to each other.
Despite the importance of verbal exchange about sex fantasies, there is a great deal of reticence. Straight once 26 per cent of the participants of the Secret.de inquiry discuss with the sex partner in general openly about the own desires for the love play. Even in a firm relationship, only 39 percent dare to do so. Men in particular prefer to remain silent on this juicy topic. Of the women, at least 47 percent share their erotic fantasies with their partner.
By contrast, at 13 percent, men are more willing to engage in such salacious conversations with a noncommittal sexual partner. The female share here is only 4 percent. More women talk about sexual fantasies with good friends (women: 26 percent, men: 14 percent), whereas men prefer to discuss them anonymously on online portals (men: 10 percent, women: 3 percent).
What is striking is that for the majority of female respondents, it is important for open conversations about sex fantasies that there is a strong relationship of trust between them and the person they are talking to. This is not the case for male respondents, who, on the contrary, are more likely to talk intimately if they don’t know their conversation partner that well.
It is true that shame prevails for a large proportion of men and women, which is why they do not talk about erotic fantasies. However, some would like to see this change. Of the male respondents, 10 percent and of the female respondents, 6 percent confess that they would like to share their sexual desires with their partner. In addition, one in five say that he or she has become more open with increasing experience and that the inhibition threshold to express erotic desires has fallen over time.
Sex expert: Many don’t succeed in being authentic
According to Andrea Bräu, a lack of willingness to communicate is the biggest problem in couples’ sex lives – even bigger than unfulfilled sex fantasies. “You can definitely have fantasies, but not necessarily want to realize them. Just to exchange about it can be very stimulating and brings momentum into a relationship, whether it is a firm partnership or a rather non-binding liaison,” says the Secret.de expert. She adds, “This ‘not being able or willing to talk about it’ is often also a reason why people cheat, because they shy away from the confrontation with the other person, but ultimately also themselves.”
Bräu emphasizes that a lack of authenticity is one of the main problems. Many people do not stand up for who they are. They are unable to reconcile their thoughts, actions and feelings and to accept their own sexual needs.
What can help is the creation of an erotic diary in which one records one’s desires and fantasies. In the long term, this exercise can lead to a more open discussion of intimate needs, which then has a positive effect on one’s sex life.